Yours truly on depression and its relapse

Here goes nothing.

Back in July 2014, I went through a very tough and dark time of my life. It's still surreal that I survived those time because I did thought that I might ended in the obituary somehow. Thanks God I survived! Its would be shameful and sinful to die from suicide because of heartbroken HUH. I know 2014 had been hard on many people; I have read tons of blogs or posts sharing how they ended up getting depressions from their failed relationship, financial problem, family feuds or divorce and so much more. As time goes by we got really depressed and stress with almost everything in life. I know for some people, it is a taboo to share things like this but I know I must share it anyway when my guts told me to published it and I do know somewhere or somehow its will help those who are fighting the same battle as I did.

My depression stage first started as stress combined with questions. I'm a VIRGO. Virgo doesn't like and really hate getting hang. We do not like to wait as we always prefer straight-forwards Q&A. If we didn't get those - we overthinking and stress about it A LOTS. A whole crazy deals of LOTS. For the first few months - I blame myself. I'm perfectionist by heart. When I know I put a lots of efforts on something i.e relationship and out of sudden it's failing. I will first blame it on myself. Am I not good enough? Not pretty enough? Not modern enough? ETC That's when I went to the suicidal phase where I hurt myself by thinking that if I hurt myself, he will care and he will know how much his actions hurt me. During these two stages; I HAVE NO ONE. I didn't even tell a single souls that I was hurt so badly and I thoughts of ending my life. I have no supports at all because I choose to keep everything to myself with the (probably most stupido..) excuse that everything happened because its was my fault. REALLY STUPIDO but people tend to think like this because they became so consumed with negativity and sadness and they just need someone or anyone to blame. I started by blaming myself. I shut myself entirely to EVERYONE. I became emotion zombie. I fake laughs. I fake smiles. I ran to the toilet to cry in the middle of working hours. I fake cough while I just trying to hold my tears. I did it - NO ONE noticed. But to hold everything - all those shits, self-blaming, suicidal thoughts etc alone FINALLY broken me more. 

I remember one night after work, I shut myself in my bedroom and re-reading the letters and messages he used to sent me and I fall into the most darkest thoughts I can possibly fell. I took the small sharp pointed scissor that I used to trim my eyebrows and started to cut...I didn't cry. I didn't even feel any pains. That probably the most scariest thing that ever happened to me. Everything was so dark and cold. I thought I'm going to die....until at one point, a warms feeling started to flow in and I finally feel the pains; finally I cried. I cried the whole night and the morning after. The cut was small but its was deep and I was so grateful that I didn't continue that night or any other night. Its was the worse stage and I forever will never ever going to forget those dark days. However, its was also initiates my healing process. Not just physically but also spiritually.


You know that warms feeling that woke me up? Its came with a voice. A voice I never heard but I know who is the owner. HE said "NO. Do not do this to yourself. You will get through this. Just trust me." Shit. I just cried while typing this. That moment - I found God. And I trust in HIM. I started to pray and pray and pray or sometimes just crying while listening to Hillsong. Really. But I know deep down, He listened to me and He saw my tears. He saw everything. Days by days, those faith started to grow and the roots became stronger. I started to well..think rationally. During this stage - I learned and I came to realized that everything that had happened is not my faults. I stop the self-blaming and I feel a little bit better.


But getting hang in relationship will never give you the closure you need the most. I ended up having a relapses of depressions. Few times, I fall back into the same pattern - shutting myself down, emotion zombie etc except for hurting myself. Until the day I shared everything to my little sister and slowly to my close friends. I finally opened up and managed to get the supports that I urgently need during those time. I feel a lots better when I shared. When some of them give the most logical or crazy advises - I absorbed them all and practice what I feel comfortable of doing.


Eventually I feel a lots better. I started to run, read, writes again and enjoyed my time with family and friends. I thought I was fully healed. Until someone mentioned his name and I do not know what to answers. Sometimes I just lied - He was busy etc etc. I made too many lies just to back him up and just to give him more time to at least wanted to fix our relationship. By the end of October, I was feeling a extremely better. Truthfully I found myself again. I care less about him and I had this mindset - Screw him! If it's meant to be and it will be anyway. And God aren't kidding when He said I will get through this LOL - I got these HUGEEEE instincts and I followed it. Man Man Man. What I had found is UGLY. I finally know the reason why he did what he did. HE CHEATED ON ME. Doesn't matter what his excuses are earlier; no sparks, no feelings or he was forced to get engaged to me. DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE. All I know HE CHEATED ON ME when he was supposed to fix what we have or used to have. Basically it was all hell broke loose. UGLY.


When all those on-goings craziness - EMM. I privately attacked the other woman and publicly attacked him. I fell into another relapse. It was different this time. I was so high in adrenaline plus anger and I don't care at all attitude. Those feelings lead me to tell his mom and my parents the truth. I will never regret that day. I finally stood for something and done things that I should have done months ago. And here I am today...had survived and still fighting some relapse here and then. How I managed to do all of that? I know I won't survive it alone and its took me a very long time to get here - months and months.



1. GOD. My pillar of strength. My healer. My comforter. My everything.

2. Friends. In my case, my little sister and my close friend. So if you're one of those I have shared during those hard time, do know that you guys/girls have a special place in my heart.

3. I counted my blessing instead of thinking why its happened. This took quite sometimes because I'm naturally hard on myself. I learned that it's OK for things to fall apart

4. Acceptance. What's done is done. I opened my heart and accepted it. 
With acceptance; I feel more more more better each day.

5. Prays. Or listened to  spiritual songs like Hillsongs and other. 
Works really well for me.

6. Do things that I love. I run to de-stress. I read to be in the bubbles world. I write to let go of frustration. I watched movie and enjoyed shopping. Everything that I do; I do it for ME because its makes me so happy.

7. I learned to forgive. Not because they deserved forgiveness..but because I deserved peace. No worries; one day..I will forgive without holding any grudges. For now, I will let time heals.

8. Last but not least, TRUST and have FAITH that I will get through it. I did it and the breakthrough and the endless blessings humbled me to no end.

I believe that if we fell so hard until we thought we never got up again - we will gain sooooo much more at the end. Trust God and trust that everything happened for a reason.

Eventually you will get through it. If all failed; I hope whoever you are in these kind of depression. I urge you to seek help. Do not be ashamed. We are imperfect human being. If you seek help now, you will do yourself and your love one a favor - you will be able to save your self and gain a tremendous breakthrough.

I would love to say that I'm lucky..but I thought BLESSED would be more fitting.
And yes, WE ARE ALL BLESSED. FAVORED and LOVED.

Whatever you're going through at this moment;
you will get through it.

 With Love, Fay xx


Comments

  1. Oh I hope you get over this. I suffered from a depression not long time ago. I did wat you done. Honestly perhaps I went the same stage of depression like you just maybe the situation was different.

    I think the worst part of me was when I thought that I can handle it all by myself. I remembered was driving back home just few hours when am awake from surgery. Shut myself from people and all the stupid things that I could ever imagine just to get an attention perhaps. I don't . till now I don't have a clue why I did that.

    But lucky, I have a very supportive family. That was when I decided to opened up.

    And I promised myself ever since that will keep my chin up and think positive about life. Whatever happened already done, now is the time to focus more on myself. I've keeps saying this to myself over and over again. And that boost my energy and my determination to explore more new things in life.

    We can do it Fay!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes dear! We can do it!

      I love how my family and friends are always there to support me.
      Lets explore life and be sexy and fit! HEHE

      Delete
  2. Virgo to Virgo, you go girl! I understand where you come from. Our minds can be too much sometimes. That's the thing I am constantly very hard to control. But one thing for sure, Virgo are very strong minded people. You can pull this through! One thing for sure, that I always hold on to is that, God have His reasons for allowing things to happen. Things will always workout for the better. If its not better, its not the end. Thank you for inspiring! I might have stories to share to on my blog :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Dora!

      Yes, our Virgo complicated mind. LOL
      True! I'm slowly healing nowadays. I can even share my story without crying. I guess time does heal and I now know what is my priorities in life. I choose to forgive and move on. Whatever it is; I believe that what had happened to me is a blessing in disguise.

      Delete

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