Peace of Mind
I longed for it for a very long time now. Months perhaps. I couldn't stand for another. I need it, pronto.
Today my BP dropped low again - I admitted it's my fault because I didn't manage to eat a proper breakfast. Went to the office at 7.40 am and worked my asses off until almost 6 pm today. Same cycles almost everyday except on weekend. Its helps to take my mind off from my problems for a short while and on the weekend I try to find others thing to do to occupied my time without facing or reminiscing or thinking about my problem.
Last week, Mr Doctor put me on bed rest for a week and yet I couldn't stand another 15 minutes without doing anything - so I went for a jog and pilates plus spending almost 2 hours in the gym on 2 days that I'm supposed to be resting. Its help - again, just for awhile. His questions last week startled me. He told me "You're actually quite healthy since you eat well and exercise well but I'm not sure about your mental health. Its probably the major cause of your low BP with insomnia" I hesitated for awhile before I answered, well I only nod actually. I admitted to Mr Doctor that I'm having second relapse of depression - of course without explaining any reason(s) at all. Since he understand, he suggest a bed rest (again!) and a vacation. LOL Funny things is - I can't get any vacation since I'm running out of annual leave. However, if he can write me some MC, I would gladly accept. HOWEVER, I don't think I will go for it because I will feel guilty because I'm away from my responsibility and I hate running away (yet I'm doing it now).
Deep down I know what I'm supposed to do but I'm hesitating. So I don't know what to do and where to go from here since I was left hanging. I desperately need an answer. It's either a YES or a NO. I just need an answer and then I know what I should do. Leaving me hanging while pretending everything is OK will only do more damage to me. ME. Not to the other party but ONLY ME. I begged for an answer but ended up getting hang. The F.
I need an answer and only then I will get that peace of mind.
I no longer need a time nor space.
I just freaking NEED A PEACE OF MIND.
And a normal BP so that I can start my training to be HOT. TEHEE