Turn a new chapter
I am once again facing the shadow of the past. I hate the memories of the sickness and the pains that for all these time I was trying to avoid. There are many people that has been asking me, "What happened?" but I keep these pretentious smile so that nobody is hurt and feels sympathy for me. I don't want sympathy because I already feels so down and loss myself that day, onward.
I don't want to explain every vivid details on what had happened but some of my housemates especially my dear ex - roommate know what had happened. But I tell you, she won't spill any because she is my friend, after all. But here, this online journal that I have been keeping for more than a year now deserved some explanation. However, try to remember this as a sharing not as my ways to blame every and one that I love so dearly.
I love him more than I have love before. We swear at each other that we are both our First true love. I gave him everything and so does he. We share everything. Tears. Happiness. Sadness. Laughters. Bad news. Good news. For all those first year of being with him, we never truly fought with each other. We had a disagreement, but that's just it. Its end there and no one mentioned about it again. I only know his one and only ex. I thought its just ONE. Because we have been honest to each other and I guess he is honest with me about the past 'monkey love' too. Just a few months ago, when I was checking his mails, which I do regularly (secretly) and I saw his conversation with this girl. I blame my curiosty and I saw that they both filirting in the conversation which include a video cam? From the conversation, I can judge that they are acquittance and they have know each other before. I just fell down and keep crying. Because I trust him and I never know he has the gut to betrays me after all the thing we have gone through together.
I noticed that the conversation was a few days before he actually going back to College, where he met me at the airport! Nothing can describe how I feel on that time. I went through all their conversation and just feel the chills and numb and I lost myself that day. The words that still send my heart racing is "I miss you and I never love anyone like I love you"-the bitch said. "Me too" - the monkey said. "But I know you'll never love me like I love you. You really love your GF." - Oh yea. The bitch should slap her face and asked herself the same question about her BF. Thus, I send him a picture message about the conversation and said to him that "We are OVER". But being him, he for sure doesn't know what I mean and asked me what's wrong and why. When I explained to him, then he said he was sorry. SORRY? Not enough, man! I went out exactly on that day with my housemates and roommate. They saw me holding my tears on the bus, crying in front of my favourite foods and just lost there. I am just the girl who love her guy so much but still he betrayed my trust. He keeps calling me and asking me and explaining to me the whole day. He said he was stupid and he didn't even think of the consequences and beg me not to leave him. I only asked him for a time. I want to forget all those things and enjoyed that day with my friends, but I freaking could not done it because everytime I remember about it, I choked my tears down and made a strong face.
Once I got back at home, I text him and said that I'm ready for a one talk. He called me and explains and crying and lots of screaming (of course the screaming part was me) and cursing and so many more. He said he chose me because he really love me. Of course I have to fired it back at him, more and more until he gave up and cry. He beg me not to leave him. He said he will do anything if I don't leave him. He'll changed and do anything. I couldn't trust him anymore. But because I don't want to make a decisions on my current heart condition, I said that I won't leave him but I will go when I want to go because I don't want to get hurt anymore. I also talk with the girl and I managed to stay cool and make her swear that she won't disturb us anymore if I won't leave him. I even blackmailed her to tell her current BF that she has been flirting with mine.
So, here I am now. A months after those painful incident. To tell you guys the truth, I don't trust him that much anymore. You know, when I do the "TRUST" post, I was so broken hearted and I couldn't think of any reasons why he do that to me. He did changed. He stopped checking his YM and less frequent on FB. He went to church and start being a different person. More like the one in my dream. He try so hard to fixed everything that he could fix. He still had the guilt and he just want us to be like 'before'. We do have few disagreement now and then, mostly based on pure jealousy of myself with his girl - friends. I love him enough to gave him a second chances but when its came to my feeling the 'afterwards'. My instincts is heightened. My jealousy is heightened and my mean words is frequent. So, I am NO MORE ME. But I do, trying very hard to forget everything and to make a new phase with him. I know that our love is strong enough to go through this phase and I just hope one day, one day I will be able to be myself again.
People said, when you don't trust the person you are with, you should leave them because you should go with the person you trust. I don't want to go! I want to fight for us. We both are hurt. He is hurt because of my action and of course I was hurt because of his. Bleh. On the other day, he said that he's mine and no others. I am getting tired of this feeling of being unable to trust the person that I love. So, here and now. I want it to end. I just want to smile and just bravely face the future and whatever God has planned for both of us.
I never actually spoke to anyone about this except my BF and my housemates and roommate only know what happened but I didn't tell them how I feel and just lets everything out. I believe that everything that happened between us is my flaws. And I don't like showing people my imperfections. But to be able to let go the past. I have to do this. I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY. I JUST WANT TO BE WITH HIM. NOW, ALWAYS AND FOREVER.
Mr. BF, This I promise you. I don't want to hurt you and myself anymore. To be the same old me is hard, but I promise you that I will be a less harsh and good new one. But THANKS YOU SO MUCH that you had proved to me that you had regret what you've done and make an amend for it. Today is a brand new day for us. No matter what happen, we will get through it in the future.
I know the different between sacrificing and stupidity in love. This is NOT stupidity. This what I called everyone deserved a second chances, but if they blew it, leave. And if they don't, stay.
P.s This was written over a few stricken tears and determine heart to let go. Please ignore the grammar and vocabulary mistakes. Thanks.