Insecurities amongst us
Nobody's perfect. Thanks For Reading.
Today, I'm just going to share a little bits experiences from my own life story about insecurities - about our images or most importantly our body. Most of you probably know that I am a chubby body - typed kind of person. I am more into a pear shaped person. This is for personal sharing with all those who have experiences like me and what I have been through will not be the same as yours. So, please that note about that.
Practically, I have been a pear shape person ever since I was born? (I guess). I was the tallest person when I was in the kindergarten. I was the tallest girl until I was 10 years old. Apart from being the tallest, I am also considered as the big girl in my class. But its doesn't just stop there, because of my height and my size, people always considered me a lots older than my real ages are. OK. Its NOTHING when I was 12, but when I was 13, its EVERYTHING to me. Its feels like a burden to me when people keep asking about how much do I weight, why am I so big when I was not even bigger, I am 50 kg when I was 13 and my height is 158. That's even when the times where every normal teenage girls get bigger because of the period!
When I was 15, people still calling me the fat girl with spectacle. Believe me, its not easy. Though some of my close friends called me beautiful but I still feels that my fats wears me off. I feels like my weight always become an issues. When I want to approach the boys that I like, the girls will said that I am much more bigger than the boys. That's my turn off. My weight. I hate my weight so much ever since.
Then, like others, I try to lose weight. I skipped breakfast (barely drink plain coffee only, which I was allowed during high school) and lunch with a small amount of fried rice or fried noodles and didn't even take dinner. YES. I lose large amount of weight. But those things only works for short period of times. At age of 16, I become bulimic for a couple of months, I ate but I throw it out after that. Everytime I do it, I cried and asked myself "why am I doing this to myself?" I'm glad that I stopped before its getting much more worse. Started from that day, I swore to myself that I won't force myself to do it again.
After graduating from high school, I gained more weight. With less hectic schedule, I can easily gained weight. It's just me. But then I lose few pounds after I broke up with my Ex BF when I was in Foundation studies. I don't blame my weight on that relationship because it's not what going on. We have different issues to broke the relationship back then. After that, when I moved to Kuala Lumpur to further my Degree study, I gained tremendous amount of weight. Regardless of that, I meet my current BF.
Every now and then, I am still feeling insecure about my body. I know I have gained so much for the past 3 years and I didn't even shows any effort about it. Ever since my almost bulimic incident, I always tell myself to LOVE me despite what everyone are saying. Honestly, I don't respond to courage from people around me, especially to those who wants me to lose weight. When I want something, I want it for myself and NOT because everyone told me to. When someone I love told me what they expected from me in the future, I almost gave up everything because I am still trying very hard to cope with my own self. To accept myself. And now when someone want me to be a different person, I just CAN'T! How can I be like that if right now I don't even like ME for ME.
Hey, I'm NOT even that BIG ENOUGH to joined ASIA'S BIGGEST LOSER! I am For God's sake below 200 pounds!
To sum all up, no matter you are big as me or you are skinny and having a troubles to gained weight, it is one very important thing to remember that all of us has our own imperfection. But why not we put all those imperfection behind and look upon our perfection. And of course, accept ourselves and LOVE YOURSELF FOR YOURSELF. It's something that lots of us almost forgotten about, because we are too busy catching up to be more perfect.
Nobody's perfect. Thanks For Reading.